If you’ve never gone to a psychic or medium before, here’s your chance. It doesn’t make a difference if you believe in any of this woo-woo stuff or not. I didn’t believe until I desperately needed to. Maybe that’s the way it works, who knows?

I went to see Fleur twice–once before Rob died and once after. I’m pretty sure she’s the real deal, but feel free to draw your own conclusions.

What follows is an edited and annotated version of our second session. (My takes on what she said are in bold.) Keep in mind that I didn’t tell her anything about Rob other than that he took his own life.

***

I see your own father has also passed. Because I feel your son coming in here on the right-hand side, your father comes in on the left and both stand side by side. When your father steps in, it feels to me that prior to his passing, he’s not done right by you, so he’s acknowledging that. All the same, he wants to recognize that he was there with your son to aid and assist in making it an easy transition.

Okay, so I pretty much told you all of that last time. 

They’re bringing up addiction, but I think your father just started it and now we’re switching into your son. There’s a recognition of not just alcoholism, but also drug use.

Duh.

I would also say that he does talk about receiving help for sobriety and this doesn’t just feel like AA, but also rehabilitation centers or there’s the feeling of going in at least once and really attempting a period of sobriety.

This is a stretch. She’s in the right ballpark, but Rob never went to rehab. Maybe she’s referring to him living in a few sober houses.

And I want to acknowledge that he does feel in his mind that there’s a moment where he’s on the right path. Not prior to his passing, but in this battle of sobriety, there’s a moment where he feels like he’s able to see some clarity and understand that he’s an addict. It feels like he knows that about himself.

It feels good to hear that he actually gave it a try. I always thought his attempts at sobriety were more about complying to the rules of wherever he was living rather than him really wanting to change.

He has very separate relationships with you and his mother. The two of you would be very split, very distinct, and he does get to witness in his lifetime the two of you making peace.

Accurate and I’m glad that he knew that.

It feels peaceful and he wants to acknowledge that because he doesn’t want you to feel that this has anything to do with the dynamic between the two of you. He felt loved and supported by both, and I feel like in his struggle with addiction, the two of you actually came together at points to help and he’s very aware of this.

Also on the nose.

There’s the recognition that as an adult, he goes back to living with a parent for a period of time.

He lived with Caryn for more than a year and about four months with us.

He wants to acknowledge that and wants to thank you for it because it does feel that every opportunity was given in that regard and he needs to address it.

You’re welcome.

It doesn’t appear to me when he passes that it’s simply an overdose. There is a recognition that there may have been drug use or addiction issues in the past, but the way he chooses to go feels more deliberate to me.

Now she’s getting warmer.

The way it would be perceived here in the world is that it was not an accident, that it was intended.

Accurate.

He acknowledges that. I do feel him to say that he wasn’t in any kind of distress. That feels to be important. I do feel like he wasn’t sober at the time, so I don’t really experience the passing because I feel very disassociated with him at that moment, but there’s a lot of pressure on the neck and around the head space. He must have had a gun registered to him.

He definitely had a gun; its provenance remains unknown.

He’s also acknowledging that it would have been a surprise to people that he had one. That doesn’t feel like information anyone is aware of.

Sounds about right. He once mentioned that he was thinking about getting a gun to protect himself from a loan shark, but the subject never came up again. 

Even though he hides this very much, I actually feel like this is preplanned for quite some time with that intention…that the purpose of this gun is for that reason, nothing else. I just feel very much that he hides that very well and very deliberately and is certainly aware that he did not show any signs because he seems to put on a very bright face, like he was doing much better.

That’s right on the money. I’ve never seen him look happier than when he and Zach were at my house this past Christmas.

He knows that and is aware of that false presentation of himself and doesn’t want you to feel or his mom to feel or his sibling to feel that there is any kind of sign that was missed. He very deliberately didn’t want anyone to know.

That’s when I knew she was talking with Rob.

It doesn’t feel like there’s a physical note. There is something written on a laptop. There’s some sort of writing on a laptop that might actually need to be recovered, almost as if it was written and deleted.

She was correct about there not being a note. I didn’t find anything on his laptop and didn’t dig any further for deleted files.

Where does the skateboarding come in? He would have really liked skateboarding at one point.

This kind of blew my mind. Rob fell in love with skateboarding when he was a teenager–for a short time, we called him “Grinder”–and rediscovered it when he lived with us in Venice.

At some point, he was prescribed psychiatric drugs for depression…that I don’t feel like he was taking even though he said he was.

Rob got into a few legal jams when he was 17 and seeing a shrink and taking meds was part of his probation deal. Some years later, he admitted that he never took any of them.

He is well, he is good. He met your father the moment he crosses. There’s also a grandmother he meets when he crosses over too. They’re both there.

Rob and his grandma Phyllis shared a very special bond. It was good to hear that they’re back together.

He doesn’t struggle with addiction anymore. He doesn’t struggle with depression anymore. All of that feels very important to have you know.

It was and has helped me make peace with what he did.

He feels a desire to tell his mom that he’s completing part of his education on the other side. There’s something incomplete about his education here in the world, and he wants his mother to know he’s going to work on it.

Rob never cared much about school and dropped out of college after one semester. He told me once that he felt stuck working in the restaurant business and regretted not taking his education more seriously.

He places sunflowers all around his mom.

Caryn told me that she sees sunflowers almost everywhere she goes! When the two of us went to visit Rob at the cemetery last month, there was a giant one right next to where he’s buried.

He’s talking about you listening to music of his…

True.

He’s been beside you or sat beside you as you listened to it…I know it may sound strange in a way, but he keeps making me feel that no one could have changed or altered this. That he very strongly and stubbornly made up his mind. It just feels very much that he couldn’t have been talked out of it. I feel like in his lifetime he’s someone that gets very fixated on something and just doesn’t change course. He had a real struggle with the feeling that he has control over his addiction. It just feels like an incredible struggle for him, which he does find relief of.

This made me cry a little.

Did you ever get matching tattoos? There’s a feeling of being tied together by a tattoo, but it was already in existence so he’s wanting to acknowledge that. He’s making me feel like you want to add to it.

100% accurate. Caryn, Sarah and Chad all got matching four-leaf clover tattoos. Caryn already had a “Life Rolls On” tattoo on her foot and then Zach got the same on his forearm. I had one with the kids’ names on my shoulder and then got “the Sand and the Water” tat on my arm. And Caryn just got a sunflower tattoo. So big yes on Rob ink.

Do you see that at the funeral or memorial service that there were plans to say certain words that you did not say or that you had changed?

This gave me chills. If you recall, I totally changed the eulogy I originally wrote on the plane ride to N.Y.

He was right there with you at the time. He makes me feel that you wore something very unlike yourself. He’s like “Why is he wearing a tie?” I don’t feel like you’ve worn one in decades.

So true! I didn’t even pack a suit and had to ask Maura to bring it with her when she flew in for the funeral.

He found what you were wearing to be…ridiculous.

That sounded so much like Rob that I felt like I was actually talking with him.

He feels like he was also dressed the way he wouldn’t have wanted to be dressed.

Also so true! We were such a mess when the funeral director asked us what clothes we wanted him to wear that we just said fuck it, and let them wrap him in a burial shroud.

He’s got a great sense of humor. He’s very funny, very much wants to make people laugh, wants to be a clown in a lot of ways.

As you’ve heard me say numerous times, Rob was funny as fuck.

He also remembers long car trips growing up, but it’s in a car that’s like a station wagon. There’s a feeling of a road trip, not with his mom but with you and one other person, but there’s a recognition of road trips together that he has very fond memories of.

I drove an SUV, but close enough. Me, Rob and Zach rode around together a lot, always listening to our favorite songs. They were some of the best days of our lives.

He really wants you to know he had an amazing childhood and is very happy to reflect back on his life, especially the younger years. It just feels like there’s a lot of joy there to be found.

There was most definitely joy, but it was interesting that he didn’t bring up the non-joyful parts. I guess every family’s history is a variation on “Rashomon.”

He’s acknowledging that you’ve started speaking to him, connecting with him quite regularly. I know he likes that. It feels like it’s on a nightly basis, and I know he’s just there with you every time. It may sound silly, but he also wants you to look for feathers. He has come to visit even though you may feel like you haven’t seen many signs or had any dreams or haven’t really had much connection. He’s very much around you, but it will start to increase when the heaviness of initial grief starts to lift. He’s very strong as an energy, so he will certainly come around.

All true although still no sign of the thing with feathers.    

Does his mom live somewhere where she would see wild rabbits, wild bunnies? Keep a look out for the bunnies, he’s going to send those to her.

I told Caryn about the bunnies, but she hasn’t seen any yet. Maybe he’s just been too busy with the sunflowers.

It feels like this departure of his, he doesn’t want it to change…he wants it to ultimately strengthen the bonds in the family, and right now it feels like that’s not happening, so I just feel that there’s a sense of really needing to hold your people close. He really wants the family to come together, and that even though your other son may think he’s fine, there’s very much the need to reach out on a very regular basis and to connect, connect, connect because he doesn’t live nearby you. He’s far away.

Good advice and deeply appreciated. 

Your other son is getting married or is married?

Um…no!

He’s going to find someone soon, I think. It’s a feeling that there’s a new partnership coming his way…like a serious one, potential for marriage, all of that.

Note to Zach: Get on it! At this point in our session, Fleur asked if I had any questions for Rob, and the first thing I wanted to know was why he didn’t ask me to help him at the end.

There’s a really strong feeling of his perception on life in that moment that he’s very much in a Catch-22. He just doesn’t see a way out at that time and doesn’t feel like you helping would change the pattern that’s in place. Like I said earlier, he also feels very fixated on this and very much like his decision is steadfast. He wouldn’t have allowed anyone to change his mind.

Fair enough. I then asked about the night he killed himself and mentioned that there were two people with him. 

I do feel like the two people there called for help immediately, but I don’t feel them to be responsible. He’s wanting to acknowledge that. They don’t feel responsible. It just feels like it also takes them by surprise.

That’s what I was getting at, so asked and answered.

There’s some sort of thing here where he is premeditating it, doesn’t mean to do it in that exact moment, but is almost like playing it out in his head at the time in a way that has been…it’s a very unnatural feeling in my physical body. He doesn’t hold a gun in the way that he normally would. It feels like he’s either doing something with it or contemplating doing this without actually meaning to do it.

“Accidentally on purpose” was how I’d been thinking about it.

I also feel when he’s doing it that the two people that are there aren’t necessarily seeing him do it physically. He’s kind of on his own doing something and they’re talking in the corner and they only hear it or then turn around. It would not be how I would feel someone deliberately commits suicide. It feels like he’s messing around with it, but with the intention I think in the future, just not in that moment.

This was a better explanation than what was in the Police Report. It all made a kind of heartbreaking sense. I had two final questions: Does he know how much we all love him?

Absolutely. There’s a huge familial connection here, a huge familial bond. Like I said before, the decision for you and your wife to separate doesn’t change the dynamic of the family because he continues to be very connected to you, very connected to his mom. There isn’t that feeling of abandonment that you would have felt with your father. I don’t see that at all.

This also made me cry. Last question: how does he feel about me writing about him?

He’s okay with it. It feels like his mom has hesitation, but he’s okay with it. He says you’re going to get a lot of heat from her.

Accurate.